on mayo

I was away in the bush getting blistered and scratched and altogether well-loved for a while there, and I didn’t read one line of news or check my email. So all kinds of things happened without my gert alter ego getting puffed up. I’ve been back from never-neverland for two days and here’s a summary of what I skirted:

C-section rates have never been higher; another man went to jail for killing his wife and child; the FDA is discriminating against older women who would like to be vaccinated against HPV (even though HPV can come in many forms, can go away and come back, and can never have been contracted by older women who are virgins/monogamous); Mr. Max is claiming he didn’t know about his bad-girl girlfriend’s bad-girl past and so he is INNOCENT and frankly SHOCKED (oh me! oh my!); women aren’t as pleased as men the morning after one-nighters (because of some ludicrous evolutionary psychology proposition about female fearing of the dangers of childrearing…WHEN will evolutionary psychology catch up with the brilliant evolution of humans to TAKE BIRTH CONTROL? (My personal theory: women’s pleasure is often a little more tricky to crack, takes a little longer than seven minutes of practice…no?); California caught up with Canada and let gay couples wed (next stop in the catch-canada relay: universal health care!); Jamie Lynn Teenager had her baby and took her straight to Walmart; a gaggle of US teens made or did not make a pregnancy pact, regardless, they are pregnant and they are teens (I recall the pregnancy pact being up there with “let’s have a house together on the seaside and drink tea and raise four snuggly gray kitties” in terms of top childish girl-to-girl promises, but even when we made up these silly stories we knew we’d have careers and fulfilling sexual and equal partnerships before we got around to cottaging together in Velcro rollers); AND, finally, prudish objections were made to men kissing over mayonnaise sandwiches, the virgin mary breastfeeding, italian women breastfeeding, and women in Malaysia wearing lipstick (unless they WANT to get raped, of course). How we got to the 21st century of breastfeeding since little baby jesus was breastfed and STILL we debate whether this is indecent, I dunno. I’m stumped. The lipstick thing, uh, yeah, whatever. But the men kissing? That riles me up. I love men kissing, for starters. And I love mayonnaise on sandwiches! What could be more wholesome than natural mayonnaise and a little natural man-on-man domesticity in the morning? Are you kidding me? There were enough objections to a little g’bye hon peck that the ad gets pulled? Because it might SCAR THE CHILDREN?

Last time I checked, kissing= good, horrific homophobic assholeness = scarring. It’s pride week! Make out!